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| 06:14pm 11/11/2009 |
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I think about you on Saturdays.
On Fridays.
On Tuesdays.
On Mondays.
On Thursdays.
On Wednesdays.
Especially on Sundays.
I pray to God, and I ask that he bless you and keep you safe from harm, that you're out there and you're being treated good.
Since that December day, there's always a part of my day where I think about you. Sometimes I welcome it, sometimes I hate it completely. Sometimes I'm angry at myself, sometimes I'm just sad.
You're always with me, even though you're not with me. Even when I'm in mass and I sit in those wooden pews, and I have my hands in my lap, without thinking, I start to trace the veins on the back of my hands and every now and then a soft pat. Even there, even there, you're with me.
Call me pathetic. Call me ridiculous. Call me crazy and sad. Laugh at me, scoff at me. Hold your head higher above me.
Hold other hands, kiss other lips, whisper in others' ears, share others' hips.
I profess all this, because it's the truth, and it is always with me, regardless if I want it to be or not.
Whether or not I care to accept it or not, it does not change this. It does not change that. In this moment, I'm thinking of you.
Why do you stay with me? Even now? I'm living with a phantom. |
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| Doing it. |
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| 11:55am 10/11/2009 |
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?
Where are we all heading? We're all sitting around more or less breathing in the air and slowly dying, we should be out there mixing it up and doing things. Let's make ripples and keep the water's reflection at bay.
Let's mix it up and see where we end up.
More and more I'm leaning towards my passions...I love drawing, I love making things that make my mind work, I like learning new and interesting facts and going and somehow implementing them into my life. Most of all, I love fighting, I love grappling, brazilian jiu jitsu, I love training.
Somehow I need to include this into my life so that I don't get down on myself, so that I don't feel numb, so that I don't feel like I'm cutting off a piece of my soul.
I still need to continue being an engineer, but I need to remember that being an engineer isn't my life....unless I'm passionate about it. I need to live life with my passions in mind, I need to remember that. |
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| brace yourself |
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| 08:57pm 26/10/2009 |
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Hey Buddy,
So, you need to get ready for it, get ready for being stood up, Yeah, let that sadness come a little bit at a time, and then have a cup of tea and some hot soup.
At least you cleaned your apartment up, and now it looks like a million bucks.
Keep your chin up, champ.
-Yourself |
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| The things we do, the thoughts we think. |
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| 09:51pm 21/10/2009 |
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I feel muddled, a lot of things feel like they're changing really quickly, the kind of things that are not outwardly apparent, it's a lot of internal.
I've never said this really, but I don't cry, it just wasn't programmed into me, more like the code that came with the pre-packaged me was overwritten and deleted. My father was a major influence on this, and by no means am I faulting him for it. It allowed me to excel where others stopped and grieved, allowed me to function in very adverse conditions. At the same time, it didn't allow me to mourn, to grieve when I should have, to be weak when I should have been weak.
Lately, I think about Laura more, I'm finally breaking down that wall that I built up to protect me from all the feelings and thoughts. I feel really sad at times, really hurt, betrayed, and at the same time, very guilty. All the good memories remind me of the times where I fell short, or where I feel I fell short, or if anything else, miss her, miss that, miss it all.
In that movie "Cashback", the main character narrated this portion the "Haunting" period.
I went home to Houston for my birthday a couple of weeks ago and my sister was singing karaoke, a song came on and it was Norah Jones' "Come Away With Me", that was our song. I sang duet with her and I couldn't help buy get sad where the lines go, "..and we'll kiss.", there is a slight pause in the actual song and it's in that moment that Laura and I use to give a peck.
There's all these memories stuck in my head, all these cute moments, these outlandishly cute and coincidental moments that from the outside looking in would look like a fate filled happy movie-esque romance. Who'd have thought otherwise?
You never know what you had till it's gone
Words are ringing true in my head right now.
So yeah, I cried, a few nights ago I cried for a few seconds, and what's odd is that I just sat there talking out loud and a few tears came out and then that was it, it was over and the sad feelings for that moment were gone.
My buddy Eric tells me it's normal what I am, how I'm dealing with things. He's ex-military and the position he held gave him psychological training and minor interrogation insights, which surprisingly helped in my discussion (shoot the shit) sessions with him about the opposite sex and the way I confront emotions.
I still am at the chalkboard on figuring myself out, I'm writing a few equations and explanations down, here and there as I live it, sooner or later I'll draw some more conclusions.
All I know is, I feel very fragmented and at the same time, no one can tell the difference because I keep it to myself very well. |
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| 07:56am 14/09/2009 |
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there's this world
im looking at it
im on the outside, looking in
they're on the inside, not noticing but knowing they're being watched
they know that there are many faces, blank, nameless faces always watching them
we'll get our chance to shine
someday, i'll look towards the outside, as you're looking in
and i'll let you know that i see you
i'll let you know that you'll be here with me oneday
someday. |
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| 10:04pm 29/08/2009 |
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Operation: 'Epic Glory' is underway.
My schedule is starting to level out
I added a picture taken august 10th to the progress pictures i've been keeping for the past 4 years. It's insane.
I want to show this off but at the same time, I feel like I'd be vain in doing so.
*Rubs chin* We'll see. |
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| 04:48pm 27/08/2009 |
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So I actually did it. I pony'd up and told Les that when given the chance, I'd like us to try being together.
She was open to it and we both laughed about it and understood.
And I'd say that was the least amount of drama and most amount of understanding and calm I've ever experienced in regards to a thing like this.
Calm. Cool. Collected.
Nice. |
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| The things we see. |
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| 02:26pm 22/08/2009 |
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Yesterday at work I saw a young girl with a bruise on her eye, she was following behind her parents without any facial expression.
A man with no teeth bought a pack of Marlboro Lights 100's and proceeded to tell me, "Can't beat honest work. Keep yourself honest and you'll do alright."
Two yuppies came in, the typical rich yuppy minus the sweater tied around the neck. The guy was smacking on his gum super loud, the woman proceeded to buy everything and then complain about the prices but buy them anyway. She then asked to see the manager and return a few of the things she just bought.
An old man, his middle-aged girlfriend and her 20-something son bought seperate items but all paid by the man. It appears they were going to Las Vegas, he had two bottles of wet-wild strawberry lube, the younger gentlemen only one and a box of condoms which enhance sensitivity. What caught my eye were the icecream and whip cream which the old man giggled about, I suspect some ice cream/whip cream foreplay. The "son" didn't seem amused.
A group of hispanic boys rolled into the store to try to steal condoms.
It was pay day so everyone paid with 100 dollar bills, totals ranged from $1.00 to $20.00, I needed a register pickup every 2 customers.
I got paid yesterday, I bought Munchies-Flammin' Hot, professional resume folders for my application to the TCEQ, uniball pens, a 12 pack of Coke Zero, and a large bag of doritios.
We held a bbq at the apartment of Magno for Eric; it was his last night with us.
Uli and I made up, it was made official and mandated by Ronny and Magno, it seems they really wanted to make this happen, I feel they feared we would go to war with each other on the mats and settle things with someone going to the hospital.
As the days go on and I continue to work at the store, I feel like I'm put here to see life for what it is: the highs and lows, black-eyed children, movie stars, new mothers, veteran gang members, ex-convicts, and sweet old ladies.
Somehow I imagine how we're all in this together, and the fabric of society is this large quilt where we're all linked together and some of us are the 'dirt' while the other parts are the 'shiny' areas. The quilt has a lot of holes in it, but the quilt-maker is constantly adding on pieces.
Money feels fucking great in my pocket. |
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| 11:39am 20/08/2009 |
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It's just another day. It's going into week two of the job at Walgreens. I won't lie when I say that it's quite difficult to adapt to the day to day tasks, not because they are extremely difficult, but because they are monotanous and repetitive.
"Can you remember all that?"
"I believe so, take the trash out, crush the boxes, stack the paper towels and then man the front so Julia can take lunch."
"Good Emmanuel, you're a smart guy."
The other day a customer chewed me out because there weren't any paper towels in stock (it turns out there were, and it turns out I was the guy who thought there wasn't and told him that), it was a test in my patience as this guy proceeded to talk to me like I was an idiot.
That's life though, this is life.
Life is seeing things for what they are: women coming in stealing pregnancy tests, little girls stealing caramels, Rose McGowan making a surprise incognito visit, abused women with razor lines all up their arms wanting to break a dollar to use the pay phone, rich californians who forgot their can openers on the flight over, families on Lone Star buying 24 packs of ramen, sorority boys in their pastel Lacostes wanting the new packs of Camel Krush.
This is life for what it is, grit mixed with smooth lubrication, diamonds and crumpled receipts.
I keep a rosary and a novela card of St. Rita in my pocket, quietly praying that God helps me find the strength to make it through another day.
I want to run so bad that it hurts my legs, and watching my peers lavishly spend their money working in industry makes me want to just go over to something that is quite remarkable and tear it apart so that it's not recognizable.
Michael Corleone to Don Vito Corleone
"We'll get there Pop, we'll get there."
Yeah, we will. |
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| I'd always hold you in secret in the pockets of my clothes |
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| 08:37pm 17/08/2009 |
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I had to goto the UCC last night due to a late shift at work. I sat in the same spot I use to sit two years ago, the same people were there. Everything was the same except the priests and Laura. Laura use to sit to my left and trace the veins of my left hand with her fingers as the homily was spoken.
I stayed to pray the rosary and after that I was left with an odd feeling in my heart.
I honestly wanted to cry, but I couldn't, I just couldn't. It's an odd feeling, knowing what you would really like to do but cannot allow.
My feelings for Rachel wane again.
"Why do you always call/text me at my bedtime?"
followed by her calling me and asking about my day.
"So, what's going on in your life?"
"Ummm not much...I just got back from church..."
"Cool, cool."
It ended with me basically saying, "Alright, I feel bad for waking you or interrupting your bedtime, I'll talk to you later."
I don't plan on calling her anymore. |
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| 04:28pm 10/08/2009 |
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Don't feel anything again, Emmanuel.
Go back to being stone, that solid immoveable rock.
This world is full of fools, let the blurs move around you like the breeze.
Do not close your eyes; you will face this with eyes always open.
Don't feel anything again. |
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| Days are short and life is shorter |
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| 05:26am 26/07/2009 |
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I've been listening to Kae'Daq over and over. It brings back good feelings.
There's this beat that resonantes in you, makes your head bob, makes you relate, you let time slip by and everything is alright.
I'm not really sure what the pattern is, well I'm pretty sure it's similar to this.
I cannot really tell you why the sky is blue, but I think you'd appreciate my honesty. |
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| All I's on me....... |
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| 03:51am 15/07/2009 |
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I started swimming again. I go after jiu jitsu is over. I swim for 45 minutes and then I head home.
I think about relationships a lot. I think about all the tangles that come with it, how it all leads up to sex and how not following the lead will set you back and inevitably kick you to the curb.
I just want to hold a girl's hand. I want to lay with her as we fall asleep; I would be the big spoon. One of my arms she would use as a pillow, a support for her neck, the other would find it's way inbetween her ribcage and her arm, my hand would cup her breast. We'd just fall asleep, one would find sleep faster than the other. That'd be it.
I use to fall asleep to the smell of jasmine or some other herb that smells so good. Laura's hair would either be damp or dry and it'd brush my face. Sometimes I'd bury myself in it and kiss where her neck would be, behind all the hair.
I don't miss her; I miss that moment, that slice of time.
The whispers, the warmth, the softness, the darkness. In the night, bodies would shift and transitions would be made: big spoon to small spoon, to side by side, to facing away, to facing each other.
I don't want to just lay with some random girl.
I don't fit in this era, old-fashion catholic boys are a dying breed.
I wish I had an engineering job, solely so I could help Ronny build an academy. |
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| 05:17am 30/06/2009 |
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I would fight you, the way no one has ever fought you. my speed would match yours, my reactions would be perfect. The way I would turn and slide and slip; you'd think I were a demon.
I would fight you; I would crush you.
I would. I would. I would.
What am I doing?
Somewhere along the line, I lost my way. |
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| 09:33pm 29/06/2009 |
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is the plan just?
what the fuck am i doing?
i am setting the wheels in motion for a collision, but for why?
for what reason?
Sometimes I have a feeling that I'll be the only one to see things through. |
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| 02:20am 29/06/2009 |
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you'd stab me.
i'd fall.
that would be that.
I figure that practice makes perfect. I feel like the more you attempt to do something, the more tries you give, then eventually you'll reach an acceptable level, nothing grand, but acceptable.
im steps closer. |
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| 09:22pm 26/05/2009 |
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run with it...run with it...run with it............
Sometimes I see the shower as more than cleaning away the dirt and the sweat. It washes away my tears and my disappointment, disappointment at life, lack of a job, the endless tape and smell of economic shit.
While the shower is cleansing and revitalizes me, it's the moment afterwards that I am in awe of. Standing in the mirror, I can't help but think that this moment exemplifies what a real person is made of. Shivering naked, staring back at our reflection, we see the lines, the sadness, the joy, the fear, the apathy, only for a second though, then we become self aware.
I truly believe I am a warrior, a soldier, a fighter, whatever term fits best. I have no rifle or side arm, but I wear an armor forged from my father's whispers in the garage, from his lessons through example, from my break ups, let downs, and mistreatments.
People, for some reason, seem to think that talking to yourself is ridiculous and shows weakness, I strongly differ. How else can you muster the courage to wake up in the morning and face a world that is, for the most part, full of itself? How else can you remind yourself of the beauty in the small things?
The water air dries and the warmth returns. The shivers go away and I'm left in a warm glow. |
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